Tuesday, November 29, 2011
The Chaos that is me....is a love that knows not how to be expressed effectively.
2011, What a year......separated April 3rd, I'm still living with my husband's sister and her husband, and it feels like quick sand and yet we have not even filed divorce.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this, it's been a hot mess of chaos where I've felt most days I'm spinning out of control with no direction, and no gravitational pull, and often not knowing which end is up!!! It's been an emotional roller coaster that quite frankly I'm sick of and so is everyone else around me....they jumped off the ride and I'm trapped on it! Someone rescue me! God.......will you take control and stop this madness?
Recently I was given a book called "The Shack," which spawned much of my turn around in faith and renewed reliance on my savior. It was an interesting read, and gave me a new perspective on my continued walk with Christ. The book is realistic fiction and had me laughing and crying all the way through. Today I find myself here, in a place of quiet contendedness in my solitude and for once I'm ok feeling alone because I know my God is always watching, listening, and waiting to greet me in my heart and thoughts even when the world has failed me and no one cares to hear my "drama" or invest in me anymore.
In this world, and to this world I am a failure. Many days I look in the mirror wondering why I am still here and if I will ever know my purpose. I had so many hopes and dreams and aspirations for my life that I failed to reach, failed to work for, and gave up on. There are days it's all I can do to force myself out of bed to trudge on through the tasks of the day and to look up and reach up for energy and strength. I often turn to music for inspiration, and to lift my spirits. Today I am combining my love for music, and singing in my reflective time to inspire my writing.
Over the years there have been times that writing has provided the only outlet where I am free to say what is on my heart in a language that reflects my true self. Nothing implied, just my thoughts, my feelings put in black and white. I am not an eloquent speaker and often I have been accused of coming across harsh, or abrasive, bold, pushy, domineering, and many other negative things that reflect a person I don't feel I am. For most of my life I have felt misunderstood and perceived exactly opposite of what I was trying to convey.
Ok, enough of all that, but it's why I'm here. I have a lot of thoughts, and my mind never stops...so here I am, in an effort to save the ears of others and prevent the word vomit that sometimes erupts when I just want to be heard or acknowledged or validated. I don't even care if anyone reads this......at least I'm getting it out of me, like a purging!
So, lately because of feeling so alone and misunderstood and often criticized for just being myself, I've gotten so depressed and reflective....what is wrong with me? Why do I never feel loved and respected or even acknowledged for anything positive? What is the attitude that I'm conveying that seems to detract people over time and push them away from intimacy in a friendship or relationship with me? Looking back on my life, I can remember all the way back to third grade feeling like no one really liked me and the ones who did eventually shunned me, ignored me, or just ceased being my friends. I've always been very sensitive....and yet people see me as strong....really? Crazy, that thing we call perception, eh?
This brings me to the thought....if God is LOVE, and loves me 100%, 100% of the time....am I reflecting that love to others as I am instructed to do? Does every thought, action, and deed reflect His love? Of course, the answer is no! So, what steps do I need to take in order to change how I behave, speak, and reach out to others so I can convey God's love in my life, express gratitude and serve others?
Back to basics:
1 Corinthians 13
1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.
11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.
In reflection and asking myself, so....self....how are you going to apply this scripture. As I draw a blank....I am guided back to how LOVE is defined (verses 4-7). IN everything I do and say, to mentally guide myself to internally ask: is what I'm doing/saying reflecting patience and kindness? am I being boastful, or jealous, or proud, rude, or selfish? Am I giving way to others or holding a grudge? Am I praising truth? Am I perservering no matter what and never giving up even if my love is not requited? No, I'm not capable to love as Christ loves us, and I'm not able to give the ultimate self sacrifice of life to show others love. But, in order to reflect God's love manifested in me, I must LIVE intentionally in LOVE, and do all things with LOVE as my motivation. That sounds incredibly challenging, right? I know.....I'm struggling with it, too. How do I see others who have hurt me, lied to me, and angered me through the eyes of Christ and love them anyway? How to I exhibit patience and kindness when my children or pushing all my buttons and being disobedient, blatantly? hmmmm
Do I disappoint God, disobey, and live selfishly for my own desires and to further my own life? Do I anger God, have I lied to God, and have I hurt him with my actions and words that do not reflect HIS love? I am just as guilty of all these things against God and others yet, God still loves me and is patient with me, and lets me have my way whether it's a good choice or not. He looks down in love, has given me the bible for instruction, and yet still I beat my own path. No wonder it's just a hot mess in my life!!! Sin is it's own punishment. God desires for us to live life to the fullest and enjoy all he has created, yet his guidelines are there to provide (for those of us more tempted) from overdoing it or stepping into dangerous territories. Too much of a good thing can indubitably become sin.
I am reminded that walking with Him, talking with Him, and continually seeking His guidance in every step I take is the shelter I need to keep me on/in his purpose. Living in His love, and having a relationship with my savior is the only thing that keeps me sane. The insanity is when I walk in sin and leave Christ on the outside instead of the center. I am as a child, holding his hand and looking up for assurance and hope and love from the Father. I run to him when my way fails.....again and again. And he still stands with open arms....cleaning out my wounds and kissing my forehead, and holding me close to show me His LOVE endures forever.
I'm not going to sugarcoat this, it's been a hot mess of chaos where I've felt most days I'm spinning out of control with no direction, and no gravitational pull, and often not knowing which end is up!!! It's been an emotional roller coaster that quite frankly I'm sick of and so is everyone else around me....they jumped off the ride and I'm trapped on it! Someone rescue me! God.......will you take control and stop this madness?
Recently I was given a book called "The Shack," which spawned much of my turn around in faith and renewed reliance on my savior. It was an interesting read, and gave me a new perspective on my continued walk with Christ. The book is realistic fiction and had me laughing and crying all the way through. Today I find myself here, in a place of quiet contendedness in my solitude and for once I'm ok feeling alone because I know my God is always watching, listening, and waiting to greet me in my heart and thoughts even when the world has failed me and no one cares to hear my "drama" or invest in me anymore.
In this world, and to this world I am a failure. Many days I look in the mirror wondering why I am still here and if I will ever know my purpose. I had so many hopes and dreams and aspirations for my life that I failed to reach, failed to work for, and gave up on. There are days it's all I can do to force myself out of bed to trudge on through the tasks of the day and to look up and reach up for energy and strength. I often turn to music for inspiration, and to lift my spirits. Today I am combining my love for music, and singing in my reflective time to inspire my writing.
Over the years there have been times that writing has provided the only outlet where I am free to say what is on my heart in a language that reflects my true self. Nothing implied, just my thoughts, my feelings put in black and white. I am not an eloquent speaker and often I have been accused of coming across harsh, or abrasive, bold, pushy, domineering, and many other negative things that reflect a person I don't feel I am. For most of my life I have felt misunderstood and perceived exactly opposite of what I was trying to convey.
Ok, enough of all that, but it's why I'm here. I have a lot of thoughts, and my mind never stops...so here I am, in an effort to save the ears of others and prevent the word vomit that sometimes erupts when I just want to be heard or acknowledged or validated. I don't even care if anyone reads this......at least I'm getting it out of me, like a purging!
So, lately because of feeling so alone and misunderstood and often criticized for just being myself, I've gotten so depressed and reflective....what is wrong with me? Why do I never feel loved and respected or even acknowledged for anything positive? What is the attitude that I'm conveying that seems to detract people over time and push them away from intimacy in a friendship or relationship with me? Looking back on my life, I can remember all the way back to third grade feeling like no one really liked me and the ones who did eventually shunned me, ignored me, or just ceased being my friends. I've always been very sensitive....and yet people see me as strong....really? Crazy, that thing we call perception, eh?
This brings me to the thought....if God is LOVE, and loves me 100%, 100% of the time....am I reflecting that love to others as I am instructed to do? Does every thought, action, and deed reflect His love? Of course, the answer is no! So, what steps do I need to take in order to change how I behave, speak, and reach out to others so I can convey God's love in my life, express gratitude and serve others?
Back to basics:
1 Corinthians 13
1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.
11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.
In reflection and asking myself, so....self....how are you going to apply this scripture. As I draw a blank....I am guided back to how LOVE is defined (verses 4-7). IN everything I do and say, to mentally guide myself to internally ask: is what I'm doing/saying reflecting patience and kindness? am I being boastful, or jealous, or proud, rude, or selfish? Am I giving way to others or holding a grudge? Am I praising truth? Am I perservering no matter what and never giving up even if my love is not requited? No, I'm not capable to love as Christ loves us, and I'm not able to give the ultimate self sacrifice of life to show others love. But, in order to reflect God's love manifested in me, I must LIVE intentionally in LOVE, and do all things with LOVE as my motivation. That sounds incredibly challenging, right? I know.....I'm struggling with it, too. How do I see others who have hurt me, lied to me, and angered me through the eyes of Christ and love them anyway? How to I exhibit patience and kindness when my children or pushing all my buttons and being disobedient, blatantly? hmmmm
Do I disappoint God, disobey, and live selfishly for my own desires and to further my own life? Do I anger God, have I lied to God, and have I hurt him with my actions and words that do not reflect HIS love? I am just as guilty of all these things against God and others yet, God still loves me and is patient with me, and lets me have my way whether it's a good choice or not. He looks down in love, has given me the bible for instruction, and yet still I beat my own path. No wonder it's just a hot mess in my life!!! Sin is it's own punishment. God desires for us to live life to the fullest and enjoy all he has created, yet his guidelines are there to provide (for those of us more tempted) from overdoing it or stepping into dangerous territories. Too much of a good thing can indubitably become sin.
I am reminded that walking with Him, talking with Him, and continually seeking His guidance in every step I take is the shelter I need to keep me on/in his purpose. Living in His love, and having a relationship with my savior is the only thing that keeps me sane. The insanity is when I walk in sin and leave Christ on the outside instead of the center. I am as a child, holding his hand and looking up for assurance and hope and love from the Father. I run to him when my way fails.....again and again. And he still stands with open arms....cleaning out my wounds and kissing my forehead, and holding me close to show me His LOVE endures forever.
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