Thursday, March 14, 2013

Day by day I constantly seek God for guidance. If not for my savior, I'd give up. I'm nothing without Him. I'd have been dead long ago. I'd have given up. I cry out daily for His strength, His hand, and his mercy. This song speaks to me. I'm learning that reaching out to others is futile. Only God grants me peace and the ability to keep going despite the odds I face. I often don't know what God is trying to teach me amid my frustration and anger. Sometimes I can't see through the bitterness. I want to be more like Him, and yet day by day I'm so human it disgusts me. My heart is hard to many who've harmed me. I find forgiveness something I want to grant others but I do not know how.

God, I need you, now.

I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me. Am I depressed? Am I oppressed? Am I possessed? Am I repressed? Why am I such a dichotomy? I am easily stressed, easily frustrated, easily angered, and yet I feel as if I am not allowed to feel anything by anyone around me without being lashed out at or told I shouldn't feel that way or that I'm not dealing with things in a healthy way. This is my only outlet because I sometimes don't understand what God is doing with me or what His purpose is for me. I just can't seem to balance everything perfectly yet I feel such a tremendous expectation of perfection from every direction. I tend to put those pressures on myself as well and yet I know I'm far from perfect and will never do anything perfectly. My heart is heavy and I can't seem to find peace at times. How do I fully surrender? Why do I feel like crying all the time? It's a roller coaster of emotion that I sometimes just want off of.

When I look at myself, I feel disgust, hate, and rejection. How is it that I feel this way knowing that God loves me right where I am? His grace is sufficient, yet I don't feel deserving. I don't deserve it. None of us do according to scripture. Grace is given freely not earned. Why can't I grant grace and forgiveness and love like Jesus? Why am I so hardened  by this life and the pain? I am saved by grace and Jesus's blood covered my sins past, present, future....and yet I'm still in this place of, well how do I explain it....

Am I playing the blame game? Please God, a little perspective....