God, I need you, now.
I sometimes wonder what's wrong with me. Am I depressed? Am I oppressed? Am I possessed? Am I repressed? Why am I such a dichotomy? I am easily stressed, easily frustrated, easily angered, and yet I feel as if I am not allowed to feel anything by anyone around me without being lashed out at or told I shouldn't feel that way or that I'm not dealing with things in a healthy way. This is my only outlet because I sometimes don't understand what God is doing with me or what His purpose is for me. I just can't seem to balance everything perfectly yet I feel such a tremendous expectation of perfection from every direction. I tend to put those pressures on myself as well and yet I know I'm far from perfect and will never do anything perfectly. My heart is heavy and I can't seem to find peace at times. How do I fully surrender? Why do I feel like crying all the time? It's a roller coaster of emotion that I sometimes just want off of.
When I look at myself, I feel disgust, hate, and rejection. How is it that I feel this way knowing that God loves me right where I am? His grace is sufficient, yet I don't feel deserving. I don't deserve it. None of us do according to scripture. Grace is given freely not earned. Why can't I grant grace and forgiveness and love like Jesus? Why am I so hardened by this life and the pain? I am saved by grace and Jesus's blood covered my sins past, present, future....and yet I'm still in this place of, well how do I explain it....
Am I playing the blame game? Please God, a little perspective....